No one warned me I would resent my husband like I do
The decision to be with my husband for the rest of my life was a mix between luck, love and smarts. Luck because, in this crazy world with billions of people I found someone whom I wanted to spend all of my good and bad days with for the rest of my life and I found that person after only a few trial and errors. Love because, throughout our ten-year relationship I have proven to myself time and time again that I love this man more then anything. Smarts because, in-between all of the luck and love my husband and I consciously decide to work hard for each other and choose one another everyday and some days more then others, it will take a lot of effort and commitment. We both acknowledge that even on those hard days we are worth it and want to be together.
Throughout our relationship we have gone through our fair share of trials and tribulations as a couple and had those epic, id like to call them battles, game of throne style instead of fights (we started dating when we were really young) but through constantly growing individually and with each other in the last couple years we’ve really found our communication groove. Also, side note, Thomas sits in on my therapy sessions whenever I need him to and its really helped with how we react to each others behaviour and how we understand each others needs.
I had a pretty shitty pregnancy of feeling horrible for a good 7 months straight. Throughout that time my husband was so patient with me, had to pick up the slack of life’s responsibilities that we would normally share, tend to pretty much my every need, completely renovated a new home from top to bottom, and the list goes on and on really. I’m truly blessed to be with someone who loves me so much and puts forward so much effort to make me happy.
During delivery I got to experience a whole new level of love and support from my husband. I was extremely drugged up (which I highly recommend) on dilaudid and fentanyl in my epidural during my labour so maybe it would have been a different experience if I was more verbally abusive during those moments, who knows, but prob not, he was prepared from myself and many nurses for that delivery abuse! But even though I wasn’t feeling the intense pain in those hours of delivery I will never forget the support and team work we had together bringing our child into the world. After delivery you don’t get an epidural for recovery and mine was really rough and just as he showed throughout my pregnancy and delivery he was there to help in anyway he could.
After I delivered my husband had two weeks off to help me recover, bond with our new baby and start to learn how to navigate this new life together. He did those two weeks with grace, patience, love and so much support.
We are coming into month three of Amadeo being in this world and I’m starting to feel a lot of different emotions for my husband. Yes, the love and all that other stuff is very much there, but I can’t help but constantly feel so much resentment, anger, and frustration towards him as of late.
I feel like this is really important not only for my self to admit and acknowledge but to talk about opening with other women and have men read this as well. The reason being is that us women have truly been through the fucking ringer. We went through 9 months of our bodies changing, hormones raging and then abusing our bodies with birth once again. Then after this beautiful creature pops out of us it’s a whole new (for me much more intense) ball game of our bodies changing, hormones raging and then abusing our bodies with motherhood. I find myself having a constant internal battle of not feeling anything like myself but feeling more me then I ever have. I find myself wishing for my old life when naps and sleep weren’t a luxury, when I showered every day or took a nice uninterrupted bath if I wanted, when I could prep, cook and clean a meal at whatever time I wanted, when I could go a pick something up from the grocery store and it take 15 minutes total, when I worked and felt like I was adding value to someone else’s life, and then the next minute truly loving this new adventure and all of those things from my old life I don’t want any of it back because of this precious boy whom I cant imagine life without. See the thing that I’ve started to realize is when you take away from the equation of thinking and experiencing these things on your own you realize that most if not all women are feeling this way. Most women are finding this crazy new life really fucking hard and easy and beautiful and ugly and wonderful all at the same time just like you!
Through therapy I’ve learnt stragies to recognize when I’m using my emotional brain or my rational brain.
It doesn’t seem to matter what my husband does lately I find myself building up this hatred and resentment towards him from the littlest things.
I’m home alone all day with Amadeo that has come off an all night with Amadeo, repeat x 5 and by Friday I’m SOOO angry he’s been at work all day, like really angry wanting him to quit and stay at home with me forever. This scenario that I have been experiencing every week is not only from my emotional brain but the change in my hormones and mental health. When I take a second to turn on my rational brain I can recognize that my husband is the hardest working man I’ve ever met. He cares so much for what he does and to provide the life that we and after working a 5:30 to 6:30 straight day in manual labour he comes home and immediately checks on me and our son, he goes and showers and then right away takes him from my arms so I can make dinner and eat it warm and he does that on repeat x5 and by Friday he’s so excited to be able to give me a break during Friday and Saturday night so I can sleep and he can do more at home with me and our son.
It kills me because even though I have this rational brain that sees and recognizes my amazing husband and what he does, I still end up building this resentment towards him.
This is, and is going to be a constant work in progress to work on myself and getting me more leveled once again. Mental health for most women, especially after pregnancy and birth will be a constant up hill battle, but one that is so worth it. I believe in the power of support, therapy, medication when needed, and just constantly recognizing not being ashamed to admit when your struggling and being aware that there are reasons that you are feeling the way you are feeling, and by putting forth that effort to constantly better yourself will yield results for you to be living a more balanced emotional life.
I brought up this topic at a weekly mommy meet up to see if anyone else could relate and all the other women either have gone through feeling like this towards their husbands in the past or are currently feeling this way now as well. Opening up that dialog made me instantly not feel like I’m the crazy Satanic bitch of a wife and know that it’s a normal hormonal reaction and will get better. In the mean time I will constantly be taking steps back to acknowledge how great of a father and man my husband is, and all he pushes himself to do. When I recognize and see the effort he puts forward I will try my best to verbalize how grateful I am of him and how much happiness he brings to my life.
This crazy life I think is best lived when you can be authentic and put forward and acknowledge your faults and seek help to make things better. You don’t need to do the hard things (motherhood so far is the hardest, and best) all by yourself.
I have a tattoo on my left wrist that I got as a constant reminder to myself that no matter what you are experiencing in your life, this too shall pass.
I am in no way a professional counsellor and I am only speaking from my experience and sharing my opinions. If you want to know more information about the therapists I’ve seen or continue to seek, private message me. I do have amazing counsellors and therapists that I can recommend in the Ottawa area whom I trust and have yielded amazing personal results 😊
Photos by Cesoir Photography